CHANGE HAPPENS

CHANGE HAPPENS


A comment from Todd in response my most recent GoodTherapy Ethics Column, touched me. How brave and sincere. And what an important question! I tend to focus on right use of power as any use of personal and professional power to heal harm, repair harm, reduce harm, and facilitate the common good. Inspiring, yes. But given our personal history with power and our dominant cultural frame for power (force), how do we get there? How really do we change historic and embedded habits, beliefs, and patterns?

Here’s what Todd says: “I grew up in a forceful household and that caused me to be the same way in my own home. I do not like it but that was how I was trained and even why I try to do things differently I always find myself back in that forceful position and way of handling things. It is the only way that I know. My kids I know hate me for that. How do I make that change to be a more collaborative person instead of what I am?”

Again, thanks for asking this question. As a psychotherapist and teacher, here’s my take on the process of changing at the level you are seeking. Notice which one or ones appeal to you and experiment with them as tools to help you shift into a more effective and satisfying set of responses.

NOTICE SOMETHING ISN’T THE WAY YOU’D LIKE IT TO BE
You’ve already taken the first and biggest step. Using your situation, Todd, as an example: You can see how you want to use your power with your kids (and, I assume in other areas of your life); and you can see the negative impact of the way you have been using your power. (Your kids hate you for it.) How painful that must be. Trying is important, but as you notice, not quite sufficient for change.

USE IMAGING POWER (Image what you want without denying the current situation.)
There is an image that has stuck with me from Robert Fritz’s The Path of Least Resistence. I image clearly, visually and as a felt sense, how I want things to be. Then I notice how things are…”current reality”. I then imagine an elastic band holding these two stretched apart. Then I “let go” and trust that these two organically want to come together and integrate (as an elastic band seeks to reduce the tension). I’m understanding and appreciating that my old patterns have some wisdom (protection, direction, control, expression of caring) even if this is now misguided or over-used and that integration will increase my range and discernment in expression.

ENGAGE YOUR CURIOSITY
Curiosity is a powerful attitude to use in making changes. Be curious to understand exactly how you are doing what you are doing. Moshe Feldenkrais is quoted as saying, “You can’t do what you want until you know exactly how you are doing what you are doing.” Here’s where curiosity is more potent than negative self-judgment. Try putting your curiosity generated information into a visual spiral map. First this happens, then this happens, then this happens, then this, and then the cycle starts over again. For example, again using Todd’s experience as an example: “I see my daughter doing something I don’t like, I try to force her not to do this, she resists, I get more forceful, she hates me, I feel unsuccessful and mad, I see my daughter acting in a way I don’t like….and the whole cycle repeats. Sooo familiar.”

OLD STORY/NEW STORY
Bring to mind and a felt sense, a typical event that triggers the familiar repeating cycle that you want to change. Notice what happens in your body—posture, feeling, breath… Discover what story you are making up about yourself.
For example: Event—someone tells me they didn’t like how I did something. Body—I look down and tighten up. Story I make up--I am incompetent and can’t do anything right.
Now see what new story you would like to grow into. New Story—I am competent and can increase my skill. Body—When I am in this new story, I stand tall, feel my core strength, and can stay in contact. I know that I can make good use of feedback from others.

LET YOURSELF BE NOURISHED
When you stop efforting, let yourself be nourished by small shifts in your attitude or responses. Change sometimes happens spontaneously, and sometimes in little increments over time. Generally a change in an organizing belief moves from 1) always or never, 2) sometimes, 3) even if, 4) resiliency. It also tends to move from external reference to internal reference.
An example not related to Todd: 1) I always give away my power, 2) okay, now I see that sometimes I do stand up for myself, 3) even when things don’t go well, it doesn’t mean I’m weak and inadequate, 4) I am confident that I can handle situations with resilience.

ADDRESS CONCERNS
Ask yourself what parts of you have concerns about the change you want to make. (I.e. Maybe some part of you is worried that if you start being more collaborative, you will seem weak or lose control or be humiliated…. whatever.) The information from this question is often surprising and understandable from a historic or cultural point of view. Then ask what does this concerned part of you need to be able to stop interfering with the change. (I.e. Maybe the concerned part needs to know and learn to trust that a new way will be more effective and satisfying and doesn’t involve becoming weak; or that you will still be able to use directive power when appropriate…. Maybe the needs are even simpler.) What appears to be resistence usually responds and softens with acknowledgment.
(Thank you to the Hakomi Method, Internal Family Systems and Western Qabalah for this.)

DO IT OVER
Look for moments and situations in which it is possible to “do it over.” Again, using Todd’s situation, see what happens if you tell your children, you didn’t like the way that went down. Ask if you could do it over again differently. Even when people feel hurt, I find that they generally feel remarkably generous when they know you are trying to change an attitude or behavior. They will try to support.

GET SUPPORT
Talk with your family (or your colleagues) about the change you are trying to make and get their support. Support can be emotional or in the form of feedback or willingness to do it over. Perhaps you can link this with offering them support for a change they are wanting to make.

Change is a constant. Change is evolution. Change is a process. A change in a belief and habit is something happening that wasn’t possible before.

Smart Power

When the generativity and responsiveness of our power is
guided by loving concern for the well-being of all, we will have
an ethical and sustainable world. Power directed by heart.
Heart infused with power. This is the key to right use of power.
Cedar Barstow

Ethics is the ongoing process of applying principles of higher
intelligence to the problems of personal and collective existence,
and endowing life with values that support the well-being of all.
Ethics is the care we show in affecting the lives of others as well
as a sense for where one’s greatest value lies in relation to
others. Ethics might be summarized as cause and effect in
balance, and applied for the greatest good. Glenda Green

SMART POWER
Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. 4/09
Cedar@rightuseofpower.com, www.rightuseofpower.com


Power and how to use it is in the news. The common concept of power as
force with any other use being considered weak and naïve is breaking down
and evolving up. Studies (www.nonviolent-conflict.org) conclude “that major
nonviolent campaigns have achieved success 53 percent of the time,
compared with 26 percent for violent resistance campaigns.” Other studies
show that altruism and basic goodness are hardwired in human nature.
(Shankar Vedantam, 5/27/07. Washington Post; and Cedar Barstow. (2008).
Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, pp. 240-244.)

President Obama and Hillary Clinton’s foreign policy paradigm focuses on
“smart power” (a term coined by Harvard Professor, (Howard Nye, 12/4/08.
www.HuffingtonPost.org) to describe the effective use of “hard” power and
“soft” power. “There is now out-front talk about how attracting people to
another set of possibilities that meet their needs is the only way to win the
war on terrorism….and that the least possible violence is rule one.”
(Elizabeth Cogburn, personal communication 12/6/08) Smart Power
acknowledges the strength and effectiveness of focusing on peaceful global
negotiations. This is akin to my Right Use of Power approach advocating the
use of power with heart, combining strength with compassion. Even right
use of “soft power” requires compassion and action toward the common
good, because even non-violence can be manipulated to be self-serving.
Going deeper, I want to speak about discernments in the crucial balance
between being forceful and being collaborative in the use of personal and
professional power. Power, by definition, is simply, the ability to have an
effect or to have influence. Ethics is concerned with being in right
relationship with those whom your power affects or influences. Kathryn
Alexander (personal communication 2/3/08) has a useful model that she
uses with her business clients. She names three different uses of power
within an organization: manipulative, influential, and appreciative.
Expanding on her model, I find that there is both “good news” and “bad
news” in each of these uses. The names I give them are: forceful, directive,
and collaborative.

FORCEFUL. There are times when the use of force is required and when
being accepting would be a misuse of power. Organizations and professions
need rules, codes, and emergency procedures. Further, they need to be able
to take decisive actions to enforce these for the protection of all. However,
the use of force when it is not appropriate tends to beget anger, revenge,
resentment, and disempowerment. Habitual use of force by leaders does not
inspire co-operation and creativity.

DIRECTIVE. This is the use of leadership influence. Leaders and
professionals, because of the enhanced perspective that accompanies their
power differential role, do have a larger view of the Whole. People need the
direction and inspiration that comes from this view. The bad news, of
course, is that, as a leader or professional habitually using directive power,
your influence tends to depend on and thus be limited by how well you are
liked. Morale and commitment to the whole may become ephemeral.

COLLABORATIVE. This is truly smart power and works best for the common
good because it engages clients or members of a group, in a common vision
which leads to increased creativity, co-operation, and empowerment that is
not dependent on force or top-down direction. The bad news is that is force
and direction are not also appropriately used, the organization or
professional relationship can flounder or sink in chaos and inactivity.

I’m guessing that you could give numerous examples of situations in which
the overuse of one of these three uses of power has created an
organizational or relationship disaster. When informed by compassion and
concern for the common good, all three—forceful, directive, collaborative—
are right uses of power. Compassion and concern for the common good, are
the magical ingredients. To increase your skillfulness and ethical sensitivity,
focus on discernment about the appropriate balance of uses of power using
your awareness and compassion as guidance.

Avoiding the Power Paradox

Avoiding the Power Paradox
Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T.
cedar@rightuseofpower.com
2/8/09

I have been paying attention to the power paradox phenomenon since I was introduced to it by Dacher Keltner (www.greatergood.org). Having researched and studied who gets power and how they use it when they get it, Keltner learned that “the skills most important to obtaining power and leading effectively are the very skills that deteriorate once we have power.” These are qualities of modesty, empathy, engagement with the needs of others, skill in negotiating conflicts, enforcing norms, and allocating resources fairly. Given that years of social and brain research support the understanding that empathy and altruism are human birthrights, it is surprising (and clarifying) to me to discover that “once people assume positions of power, they’re likely to act more selfishly, impulsively, and aggressively, and they have a harder time seeing the world from other people’s points of view.” (Keltner) You can read more about these studies at www.greatergood.org (Greater Good Magazine, Vol. IV, Issue 3) and on pages 244-247 of my book: Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics available at www.rightuseofpower.com.
For those in power differential roles of trust and authority, and all of us are in positions of enhanced power in some areas of our lives, it is extremely important to understand this tendency for inborn empathy and the most effective leadership qualities and skills to deteriorate when we are in positions of power. We have good intentions. We earn power by the socially intelligent use of it. Yet when we get more power, we tend to become more vulnerable to misusing power. When we understand this tendency, we are at great advantage as leaders because we can be extra alert for changes in ourselves and self-correct around them.
Now, why does “power corrupt”? I give four conjectures on page 246-247 of Right Use of Power. I want to talk about three of these in relation to some actions on the part of President Obama.
1) Because of the impact of the power differential, those in power-up role are removed and may remove themselves from the checks and balances of the feedback loop in which people tell each other either directly or indirectly about their impact both positive and negative. When in power-down position, it is perceived and may truly be too risky to offer negative feedback. The power-up persons then don’t hear the negatives and either or both lose their ability to reality check and feel immune to the usual consequences of abuse of power. /// I was encouraged to hear the President –elect speak more than once about his concern about being shut off from the experience of ordinary folk by having to live in a protected bubble. I trust this means Obama understands the importance of staying in the feedback loop. This feedback loop includes not only ordinary citizens, but those who disagree. There must be no actual or implied loss of status for disagreeing. I read reports that differences are sought and treated with respect in the new administration. In another example of understanding the importance of the feedback loop for accountability, the President has already put in place changes that will make government and bail-out companies policies and expenditures more transparent.
2) People tend to over-identify with their power role, experiencing their enhanced power in a privileged or skewed way. This leads to grandiosity and an unrealistic sense of Self. Remember the (paraphrased) statement: Because the President says so, it is right.. /// It was refreshing to hear President Obama recently say publically that he “screwed up”. He apologized, and then self-corrected for thinking that there were two sets of values, one for politicians and another one for ordinary people who must pay their taxes. He caught himself losing his perspective and misusing his power. This is rare and good news.
3) People in power-up are also embedded in systems in which it is difficult to act alone and which become invisible even (or especially) to those in the system. These systems support or even mandate particular behaviors that may contribute to right or wrong uses of power. Systems are very complex because members usually are aware of only one or several pieces of the system. Embedded systems and their incumbent power dynamics are extremely challenging to change. We are painfully aware of the complex, flawed and deeply entrenched economic systems that we are desperately needing to shift. ///One very small but significant move that announces a change in direction is President Obama’s announcement of a mandatory salary cap of $500,000 for executives in any company receiving government bailout funds.
Once again, here’s the power paradox: “Power is given to those individuals, groups, or nations who advance the interests of the greater good in socially-intelligent fashion. [Yet] what people want from leaders—social intelligence—is what is [often] damaged by the experience of power.”(Keltner) It is, therefore, critically important for leaders and professionals to understand this paradox in order to be alert and to take action to undermine it’s effects. This means staying in touch, working both from the top down and the bottom up, owning and being sensitive to your role power, being accountable through transparency, admitting and self-correcting for mistakes, advocating for the common good.